Pet Hair

by Simone on June 2, 2011

Sometimes isn’t it nice to walk into a place and see a familiar face? or better yet, someone who knows your name? someone who has a smile that makes your day. Maybe that person is not a person, but a cat, who slinks over and gives you the butt, or the cat back as they rub up against you. Or maybe that person is a dog who does cart wheels when they see you, or they jump and lick and throw themselves at you in the overwhelming recognition of your divinity.

Even though I am a die hard cat person, I have managed to fall in love with my dogs and have even found myself warming up to other people’s canines. I’ve even gone so far as to let one or two hump my leg. I have come to realize that each dog has their own way they express joy. It took awhile to get the hang of this. Cats don’t really express joy, I mean you can tell they are happy or content or interested, but they are far too cool to bust out in uncontrolled joyous wiggles, they have a reputation to uphold, maybe they’ll give it up by lifting a paw, making dough, or the more pedestrian, ‘purr’. Dogs don’t seem to care about what

any time can be nap time when you are a dog

anyone thinks of them. They will lick their crotch, sniff a pal’s butt and sniff your crotch if they are tall enough. They will eat from a trash can, and forage for the creations others have left behind (super gross). Dogs have no qualms about belching or passing gas. They just let it fly (like my friend’s grandma)

On the positive side, they can be counted on to find any crumb dropped. They are loyal and look at their person as if they are the second coming. Every time you leave and then return – it’s like Christmas morning. Unbridled joy. Maurice gets so worked up when the Fed Ex dude arrives, that he leaps and paws and falls backward onto the concrete driveway in a full swoon. Mistere Fed Ex dude just loves this, he drops the packages and gets down on the concrete and lets the Frenchies have their way with him. He says over and over “what a great dog, what a GREAT dog, this dog loves me” (you, and everyone else, i think to myself) He has no idea that this expression of glee goes on all day long with each new victim.

Though I am the main fixation. I can’t be entertaining at every moment. At some point I must shower, run an errand, or go to the loo. For just these occasions, there is the Dog Toy. Before getting dogs, I had no idea the role the dog toy played. I though dogs just chewed on bones. I have met people who pack their dogs toys for a trip, and keep them in toy boxes at home and buy back-up toys for when the favorite wubbie goes missing or damaged. There are toys that dispense treats, toys to slow down the speed eater, toys that squeak, toys to be pulled, thrown and just carried around in the mouth. I can see that the wearing down of

striped thing lost it's innards in seconds flat

the toy is sort of an expressionistic form of art therapy. Profound communications can be interpreted by the playing with and chew pattern of THE TOY. Dogs can learn and understand hundreds of words. “get it, drop it, leave it, go potty, etc are heard from dog owners. It seemed silly to have to tell someone to go potty. But I do it, and when I don’t, there is trouble. Anyhow…. Back to toys. In the salon we have, gwinny the robin with the tennis ball inside it,

We’ve got Dirty sanchez, the headless

sanchez, before the head disappeared

chicken, striped thing, the frizbee, the beloved Wubba (this is big hit with all players), the eviscerated ferret, lammy pie, the cow and a host of other toys stolen from other dogs looking the wrong way at the wrong time.

A dirty sock or a used tampons can delight a canine for hours in a pinch. We keep these items in lock down in the salon to avoid me having to pretend it’s not actually happening.

Aside from all the extra hairs, for the most part, the cats, and the dogs add a special element to the Salon. One that the majority

the disappearing rear trick

enjoys. The animals set a tone of relaxation. It’s always soothing to be around a hedonist, right?

I saw my first French Bull Dog in a Salon many, many years ago. I didn’t really like dogs in those days, but I knew I would have a Frenchie when I first laid eyes on it. Now, I have two. They not only bring joy and snuffles and snorts to my life, but to the lives of many who patronize Simone Salon.

So even where critters are concerned, everything including the lint roller, comes back to the follicle.

Do you have a story about doing hair or having your hair done? 
If so, i want to hear from you for my Book Project. Please leave your comment and we’ll ‘Tawk”.
If you have a friend who could use a lift today, I hope you’ll pass this on.
-Simone

 

 

 

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The higher the hair, the closer to heaven

by Simone on May 21, 2011

Another week in the trenches. It was like Christmas, Kwanza, New Years Eve, a Bar/Bat Mitzvah and the entire month of June all rolled into one big mombo event.

the usual chaos

The rapture is upon us my friends, and NO ONE wants to get plucked up for heaven with a hair don’t on their head. The salon was jumping with men and women with their dogs, wanting to get their hair done, just in case. I get it. Who wants to be caught with their pants down and their hair in a baseball cap?

Personally, I’m going to trim my bangs, iron my new Hello Kitty shirt and make a Belgian Waffle.

Then, I’ll be ready to embrace my fate.

Will it be heaven? …………………no more standing. Exotic cocktails every day, a cellulite free body and piles and piles of calorie free Reeses.

Or Hell? ……………. Running late, nasty frumpasaureses, Tabu perfume, the drone of television and mullets everywhere I look.

I figure that all the really bad hair will end up in hell. A good ‘do’ provides more options for successful negotiations.

Anyhow, it’s all supposed to come down today at 6pm your local time. I am sending this out in the morning, so you can make your last minute preparations. ie. pack concealer and waterproof mascara. Being rather adept with a calendar, I cleverly planned to have the day off, I figure there is still time to lose a pound or two, floss and take the frenchies for a walk.

ready to blow her head off incase she's left behind

I was going to repair the irrigation …….. but then reconsidered. The last time the world was going to end (May of 1994) duty called, I went to the salon like any other day. I came home, fed the cats, donned a fabulous outfit and off I went to an ‘end of the world’ fete, where I met……. I’ll call him Bob. Neither of us were chosen for Heaven, but admittedly, it was hard to tell, life was pretty fine then and we both had really good hair.

So we bought a house together.
Then I experienced hell.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…. There’s still time. Call someone you’ve been wanting to make amends with, ring your pal you’ve been meaning to re-connect with. Turn yourself in at the local food Co-op for all those years of grazing the bins when no one was looking, tear the label off your pillows, streak the baseball game, pay for the person behind you at the toll booth, use your curling iron in the bath tub, play with a dry cleaning bag, buy that humongus diamond ring at Tiffany’s, pick out a luscious Hermes scarf to show it off. and go ahead, you know you want to…….. Put on your afro wig.

one rung closer to heaven

There may not be much time left to spread the love, but there is still time to book a few more salon appointments. The world won’t officially be obliterated until October 21st. Just a little pesky chaos and awful suffering until then. Any woman who has worn an underwire bra, given birth or stood for 12 hours in heels should manage just fine in my opinion. For the grand finale Do what you can with the time you have, and do it lovingly….. and by God, make sure your locks look good. Because in the “end”, it all boils down to the follicle

 

Do you have a story about doing hair or having your hair done? 
If so, i want to hear from you for my Book Project. Please leave your comment and we’ll ‘Tawk”.
If you have a friend who could use a lift today, I hope you’ll pass this on.

-Simone

 

 

 

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Spray and Pray

by Simone on May 13, 2011

For years I’ve seen women come into the salon full of hope. It doesn’t matter which coast they live on or if they are relaxed or stressed. It’s across the board, not mattering if the woman is a super model or a works on the toll way. It’s pretty much the same thing if they live in the city or the countryside. It doesn’t matter if they live in a castle in Europe or a mud hut in Africa. All women want to look beautiful, even the ones who won’t admit it.

another day in the trenches

Most women have an unrealistic fantasy  of what their hair will do for them. So much rides on the haircut, even more on the colour. Most women have this idea that there is a perfect look for them. “Poppycock” I say. Hair and therefore the hair style is a fashion statement, it changes with the fashion, it changes with the inner growth of the woman. Though the Farrah Fawcet look was red hot in the 70’s, a woman wearing that look would be pulled over and cited for a beauty violation in today’s world.

There is hope that the right hair will get Betty a raise, a job, a lover, an upgrade to business class, she’ll place in the race, win the lottery, spend less time in the bathroom in the morning, and cut 10 minutes off her commute to work. The right do will have the effect of a  face-lift, suddenly Betty will be a wizard in the kitchen, recive an engagement ring and always, always there is the pie in the sky fantasy that the right hair will make the butt look smaller.

Do you have any idea the pressure we feel behind the chair?
These types of expectations are what keep us up at night, give us IBS and make us crave Mother’s cookies shaped

yum!

like tiny animals and covered with pink or white icing and sprinkles (or ginger bread cookies shaped like hula girls) We wash them down with Mad Dog 20/20. If it’s a brazilian waxing we’re going to tackle ,we might make the sign of the cross first and throw down a couple Xanax or Valium for extra protection. While a good DO is powerful juju it’s really all about how you ladies work your action. Self expression is key, attitude is everything.

After thirty years behind the chair I still start my day with a prayer: “Please Saint Martin patron saint of hairdressers,  help every client to arrive with enough time to use the loo and still be on time for me, help me to remain patient and upright until the last Betty leaves. Help me to spread joy and possibility and avoid crashing blood sugar, painful feet, legs, hips and shoulders. Help me to create DO’s that will make all Betty’s dreams come true and of foremost importance, keep me safe from clients carrying tasers.”

My main man Marty has consistently delivered the goods. It’s been decades since I came across the taser toting type of gal. She looked normal and acted normal, she was understandably very very nervous and quaking (seeing a new stylist before a huge important event can really get a gal worked into a lather). She was one of many referrals from a dentist who was a happy client.

I finished creating the masterpiece. Frankly I made a sows ear into a silk purse. I loved my job. It was 7am and my day was just getting rolling. I was prepping her hair for a home run blow dry, when Betty leaped from the chair, put both hands around my neck and tried with all her might to choke the life from me.
I admit I was a little taken aback, did this mean she didn’t like it?
Well, I was NOT going to let her make ME run late for the 19 clients who had appointments after her that day. I dropped my blow dryer and calm as could be reached behind me to the coffee maker. I raised the scalding pot over her angelic head, not sure if I should proceed, and like magic Saint Martin intervened and Betty composed herself, grabbed her purse and left the building leaving her clothes behind and wearing only the salon robe. WTF?

I discreetly pulled out the flask from my breast pocket, swallowed a xanax, snuck in a few mothers cookies for good measure. I took a deep cleansing breath, fluffed up my aura with pink, gold and green, swept the hair from the floor and off I went like nothing had happened to make dreams come true for 19 lucky ladies. Even at 7am, on death’s door step, it all boils down to the follicle.

Do you have a story about doing hair or having your hair done? 
If so, i want to hear from you for my Book Project. Please leave your comment and we’ll ‘Tawk”.
If you have a friend who could use a lift today, I hope you’ll pass this on.
-Simone

 

 

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Viva la Follicle

by Simone on May 6, 2011

Each year on this date I think of all the celebration and all the tequila that goes with it.Much is celebrated on this day. Cinco de Mayo in Mexico and Tengo no Sekku in Japan (boys day, which has become politically correct and been renamed children’s day Kodomo no Hi),

May 5th is also the day Maurice arrived at my home as a tiny little puppy.
perfect timing, since he was a boy, though french.

baby mo

Most dear it to me on May 5th is Miss Karen’s Birthday. Miss Karen has been my pal since junior highshcool. We wore matching clothes, matching pony tails and tried out to be cheer leaders together.

I spent days at her house. Her family was close, all her sisters and her mother could sew. All things GIRL were celebrated. Miss Karen’s dad was an engineer, and believed that capability was the key to life. She often said it was the worst thing he ever taught her. It’s hard to snag a man, when  are more capable, and better with tools than they are.

Profound.

Miss Karen did eventually snag a man who is Hispanic. Was this in the cards even as she was coming down the birth canal?

You can imagine that the 5th of may must be a big deal at their house between Cinco de Mayo and the day of miss Karen’s entry to the planet.

koi fish flying for the boys

We were roommates in the 80’s and somehow developed an affinity for all things fish (but not the SAKE :) it was directly related to a popular saying amongst gay men in those days having to do with fish, and we embraced it. Our apartment became ‘the grotto’ and we were the fish living in it. Eventually we moved to the top floor in our apartment building and then we were living in ‘the top of the grotto’. Our apartment building was in the ghetto, so we were at the grotto in the ghetto. Such clever girls we were. When you have a long history together, all inside jokes are woven together to become not just a new language but another way of life. Many years later we lived and worked in Japan together and were able to experience the 5th of May (in those days known as ‘boys day’) right there in the belly of the beast. There were lots of Koi flags flying (again, the fish theme, are you connecting the dots?). Even though we were, and still are girls, we celebrated the day like it meant something.
If you are lucky you have at least one of these types of friend still in your life. We’re not as close as we once were, we live just an hour or so apart. Our lives went in very different directions. She is, no surprise…mom extraordinaire and still can sew up a storm. Each year, to celebrate our birthdays, we send each other some god-awful gift, new or not, having to do with the long standing fish theme. It has been anything from fish cocktail napkins to a life size rainbow trout that’s a lunch cooler , (which I think she forced her son to carry to school)
to a size 18 dashiki with a fish pattern. Really cool and useful stuff. We do our very best to make the gifts hideous.

Miss Karen and I also went to beauty school. Separately, not together. We worked in the same salon together, we commuted together, we probably dated the same guys too. Sunday nights we would catch up on life. She would sew, and drink white wine and I would iron. We carried on this tradition for many years even when I moved to New York. I still iron, and often drink white wine and when I do, it reminds me of miss Karen.

It is a true miracle really, that we are both still alive. We survived some very crazy times together, far crazier than being two white kids living in a ghetto. We survived cutting and perming each other’s hair while stoned. The follicle bonded us together, not just then, but for our lifetime.

cant we all just get along?

Miss Karen, if you are reading this, know that today’s blog is my fish gift to you. (tanjobi o medito, watashi no tomodachi)

Happy Birthday, happy Cinco de Mayo, happy kodomo no hi- and VIVA LA FOLLICLE!

Do you have a story about doing hair or having your hair done? 
If so, i want to hear from you for my Book Project. Please leave your comment and we’ll ‘Tawk”.
If you have a friend who could use a lift today, I hope you’ll pass this on.

-Simone

 

 

, Read them here or add yours

That’s the way I roll

by Simone on April 29, 2011

No matter how chic, how cool, how hip a person is (or is trying to be) when it comes to the bowling alley, it’s an even playing field. Pretty much everyone can relax and let it all hang out at the alleys. I’ve seen Vegans inhaling real (can a hot dog be called real?) hot dogs. The teetotaler slugging down cerveza, the pious slinging curse words, the self conscious folk busting moves and the shy caught hooting, hollering, leaping and head-butting. It must be those shoes. Everyone looks alike in them. Every outfit is overpowered by the bowling shoe. The lanes are one place you’ll almost never see a skirt or dress, even on a drag queen. What would be the point? The latest Gucci sheath with a pair of bowling shoes? It’s just not gonna happen.

I know it will come as no surprise that the hairstyle continues to reign supreme. Everyone knows that even the bowling shoe cannot take a good ‘do’ down. Bowlers may have given up on their bowling ensemble but look around and you’ll see hair pride abounds.

It’s almost impossible to judge the book by it’s cover at the bowling alley. My Orenda bowling teammates and I have been 100% wrong when trying to do so.

We are smart, accomplished entrepreneurial types: a dentist, two hair stylists, A human resource expert, an airport employee and a salon manager. We were sporting our Team Orenda bowling shirts.

To us it looked like the team on alley # 2 were checkers at Walmart, but once chatted up, we found out they are proctologists.
We declared it a no squatting zone and toasted them with “bottoms up!” each time they threw a gutter ball.
Alley #3 appeared to be undertakers, but when questioned, admitted they are lawyers. We liked them better as undertakers.
The couple on alley #1 who were using handles of tweetie and muffin were celebrating their silver anniversary. There were a bunch of Betties on Alley # 6 we pegged as fashionistas, and indeed, they were certified Bra-fitters and of course, great good fun.

Let me point out that my beloved Grandma was an ace bowler, She always had the ball, the bag, the pressed shirt and a freshly whipped up coiffure that just shouted “STRIKE!”. So I know from experience that we try to compensate for a bad toss by having a fab ‘do’. It doesn’t really help when the numbers are posted on the screen for everyone to view however, but it does go a long way with team spirit.

I know this must come as a shock, but hair seems to have almost nothing to do with skill or aim.
Often hair matches the person, their style of dress, car seats, cocktail napkin or their dog. But at the lanes there seems no correlation.

Who knew?

I carefully studied the technique after giving the hairstyle (or lack of) a once over. Curly hair didn’t seem to assist in the strike. Long hair didn’t lead to gutter balls. A bald pate didn’t equal the humongus heavy ball.
The shoes are cool in a geeky way, the bowling shirts are sublime, but the hair, that’s where it all seems to go wrong. This is one place where the hairstyle proved to be unreliable.

side note- A woman i know enjoys her Sunday mornings at a local bread bakery where the queue is always out the door. She takes her hobby of ‘Beauty Patrol Captian” seriously and sits inside whie rating the clientele’s hair to outfit ratios. She usually submits her report the following week. I fully expect to see her holding up numbers like at the Olympics: 9.7.9 – it might hurt business, but then again, that bread is soooooo good, most folk would risk a bad rating to score a few choice loaves.

Imagine; if the hair was head turning (like grandma’s) and the outfit was striking, just how far a person could go in life? A good ‘do’ can make almost anything come together. You can be one with the ball, one with the pin, one with the team and one with your maker for pete’s sake!

Because when the last ball rolls, it all comes back to the follicle.

Do you have a story about doing hair or having your hair done? 
If so, i want to hear from you for my Book Project. Please leave your comment and we’ll ‘Tawk”.
If you have a friend who could use a lift today, I hope you’ll pass this on.

-Simone

 

 

 

 

, Read them here or add yours

Resurrection of the Follicle

by Simone on April 22, 2011

I still talk about my grandmother a lot.
Without her I don’t know that I would have survived my childhood. She was the one who introduced me to love, good deeds, poodles, silver dollars, home made pastas and the Beauty Parlour culture. I would set myself up at the bar with the wigs clamped to them, style them and pretend I was Gene Rayburn. My grandmother was kind, generous, very wise and had a contagious laugh. She was a natural teacher. She taught me of the golden rule. She was big into making sure we felt good about ourselves and our behaviour by the time we went to bed. If we came up short, we were to make amends as quickly as possible. She wanted to make sure we all got an “A” when waiting at the pearly gates.

Salvation Mountain

Many kids adore their grandparents. I hung on every word and action. The older folks had curious and wonderful outlooks on life. That’s what was so cool about hanging with them. I learned all about the baby Jesus in the manger and how his parents had so little money that Jesus’s parents couldn’t afford to patronize the Beauty Parlour. I know feet were washed, was the hair?

wow man

Anyhow,in the 70’s my grandmother was greatly disturbed and fascinated by Hippies. She loved macrame, was tres’ artistic in her own right, and had a house full of rosin grapes in every colour. Flower power was right up her alley, but incense and Patchouli wasn’t. She said Italians didn’t wear Patchouli. But here was a lot of hair, and much of it was on men wearing “Jesus sandals”. She would squinch up her face and say “he looks like Jesus”. She sure knew an awful lot of intimate details about him,. I was pretty sure she must have done his hair at one point, clients do tend to tell all when under our spell. She knew his birthday was not December 25, she knew that he primarily wore sandals, she knew that like her, he was a magician in the kitchen and could work wonders with fish and bread, She knew that he was a lover, not a fighter, that he died on a cross, wore a lot of white dresses, but she wasn’t exactly sure what the nexus was between J.C. and the Easter Bunny. Like most grown-ups, she just rolled with it and stayed on point dying hardboiled eggs and making ravioli for the big family festivities.

I find that many women have very distinct memories of their grandmother. Sadly many of them are not fond. Many Grandma’s were feared. Grandmotherly wisdom was a hot topic last week in the salon. Grandma Katie only spoke Croation. She taught her granddaughters how to steal candy. She was also very interested in farts (which she called “the gomala”) and Poop.

God's creation awaits Grandma Katie

Grandma Katie would excitedly burst into the W.C. to stir the contents of the toilet with a wooden spoon making sure the creation was just right.

 

G.P.’s grandma was German, removed and not much fun, but she felt sure that eating a banana was the answer to almost anything.

Another betty G.F, said her grandma spoke a foreign language and seemed to hate her grandchildren, but she taught them how take pride in making a warm, lovely, delicious bed and home, even on a meager wage. She also would exclaim “Oh my goodness, sakes alive!” in English (go figure!)  We discussed this saying at length in the Salon and it took hours to find a person who could intelligently explain what a SAKE actually was. The first brave client who took a stab at it was confident a SAKE was a fish. What a typical man answer. Anyhow, G.F. now says “oh my goodness sakes alive” to her grandbabies and they say it too!

Lisa Dell’s grandma, G.G.Grandma did not seem to hate her grandkids, but she was certainly not much of a smiler or a hugger or anything warm. She was big into civil rights, she belived that people needed to slow down, not move so much and enjoy what’s in front of their face. (translate to be present). She says there is no need to say “I’m sorry” when burping or farting at table. She says at her age (90) she’s said it enough!

It’s sad when there are missed opportunities, missed communications, missed moments that could equal love or laughter. Mouths remain closed, grudges are held, and everyone misses he boat.

….. And speaking of boats, my other grandmother gave me a thin hardback book on steam boats when I turned 9, which she said “would make sense when I got older”. It still hasn’t. Steam boats may be the only thing that does not come back to the follicle.

If you have a memory of your grandmother you would like to share, I would love to hear it. :-P

Do you have a story about doing hair or having your hair done? 
If so, i want to hear from you for my Book Project. Please leave your comment and we’ll ‘Tawk”.
If you have a friend who could use a lift today, I hope you’ll pass this on.

-Simone

 

 

 

 

1 Comment, Read them here or add yours

Good Hair

April 15, 2011

Good hair can only go so far. After a rollicking week in the salon I needed to limber up, still my monkey mind and remember to surround all annoying people in a pink aura. So I grabbed my sticky mat, a gun and a bottle of holy water and did a walking meditation all the [...]

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Beauty from the Inside Out

April 8, 2011

While off duty, supposedly on Holiday, I decided to re-feather my nest. Before I knew what hit me I got side tracked by a half acre of weeds. Let me explain. I am deep into in to folding laundry, which makes me think of paying bills, which segue’s into getting the mail, which requires putting [...]

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Salon Eccentrics

April 1, 2011

After 30 years of standing behind the chair, the board of directors has given me approval to work in the salon in a way that also works for me. It’s a strange concept. Those in the salon industry are service providers and most years there is no shortage of service to provide. I think our [...]

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The Law vs Follicle

March 25, 2011

I used to think I was intelligent, well educated, and full of common sense. I thought I could turn a faucet on, use a hose, fold things with my hands, and multi task. I’ve been through law school and the police academy. I’ve played competitive sports my entire life. I fancied myself as quite agile and coordinated. [...]

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