Fashion faux pas

by Simone on April 30, 2010

I was at a luncheon at a rather luxurious restaurant this past week and saw more of the usual disturbances while out and about:  mullets, nylon stockings in open toed shoes, teva sandals (yes, they are still spotted leaving the house) tie dye, exposed “roots” in need of colour, ill fitting clothes, velour (what do you call these?????) leisure/track/sweat/sport/pajama suits, exposed armpits with nubs, oral manicures, thongs above the pants (the whale tail), pants below the boxers, and the butt for that matter, no wonder those guys walk like they’re going nowhere fast, it’s sadly still a fashion I suppose.

I’m hip, I’m cool, I’m a wanna be whatever, so I put on my favourite pair of pants that are way too big and a pair of daddy’s plaid smiley face boxers to go underneath (or more accurately above) the extra large, extra long pants, I let the crotch fall where it may, which was down around my knees, I put on the requisite hoody, and off I went to the farmer’s market for some organic goat milk ice cream. I took a jog around the track and made a pit stop at the grocery store. Yes, it’s summer and It was about 100 degrees outside, sure I was hotter than a hoot, but it’s the style right? Things were going pretty well until the ‘waistband’ of the pants slinked all the way down to my calves. My hands were full trying to hang on to 2 French Bull Dogs, the goat milk ice cream and a recently purchased case of Mountain Dew, I wasn’t sure what to do when you know you are going down. Do you grab the pants, pull them up and try to right yourself? or is this supremely un cool? I’ve seen some guys walking with the waistband right above the knee. It looks tricky. Anyhow, deeply concerned about fashion and peer-pressure I chose to take the hit. Next thing I knew the dew was hissing out of punctured cans, The Frenchies were farting like mad and having their way with the ice cream.

bon appetite

Ah yes, It was a bell weather day for the canine. I was mortified, but tried to look like this was part of a break dancing routine. I could feel the beginnings of a loose front tooth. I was hoping it completed the total look. I did so love the T.V. show, Hee-Haw as a child.

I guess it’s common amongst the low slung crotch wearing masses that there is tripping and breakage and tooth loss. No one seemed to even notice us.

When I got back to the salon I vowed that we would take a stand against horrendous fashion. Suddenly it didn’t matter that my front tooth was loose, or that i was sticky and smelled of goat.

We would provide a new and clearly much needed service to humanity. No longer would we just be listening to confessions, doling out  advice, doing hair, nails, massage, wraps, scrubs and make-up. Starting tomorrow we would be locking arms with Elvira, an Italian seamstress (in italy this would be called a sarta) Elvira is so committed to lending her to help assist the badly dressed that she comes to work with her  new born baby attached in a sling, she is smiling and nattering on in a language most of us can’t understand but we love her fashionable eye and gentle way.

Elvira works her magic

This way if a client’s new Do doesn’t match their old clothes, we let Elvira come above ground and she whips out a pin cushion and a needle. In this case we see Miss Nora getting the crotch of her pants put back where it belongs (she showed up for work in hot pants) and with a nip nip here and a tuck tuck there, we can see the sows ear becoming the silk purse . How is that for full service?
and another swan leaves the Salon.

Next week we’ll be discussing the anklet over panty hose.

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