Felony Hair

by Simone on December 23, 2010

There was such a curfuffle over my last blog i feel the need to delve in deeper to the issue of Hair Crimes.

I know a cop or two (i think the more proper C.Y.A. term would be ‘Officer’………………but if you are really drunk and you happen to say ‘ossifer’ and he/she likes your hair, then you are probably in like Flynn.)

Anywho…… i hear things like any hair stylist worth their salt would. Much like the ‘ossifer’ i hear unsolicited confessions. Worry not, nothing surprises me.

Much like an attorney and client privilege, there is the ol’ beauty operator and Betty (or Bob) privilege. People, this is JUICY stuff. But for the record, i try to make it sound like i’ve heard that particular ‘sin’ a million times, you know, like it’s SO last year.  But inside  i am dying to get on the horn with my compadres or the local T.V. and radio station and say “sit down! you’ll never believe what i just heard from Bob or Betty Smith”.

So…… i’m doing Officer Betty’s hair, and we’re ‘debriefing’. She tells me that she recently got an unsolicited confession from a suspect because of her stunning new hair cut. I like to think that in some way i had everything to do with making that particular city a safer place. When i called the city to find out if i would be formally recognized i was told the proclamation was’ in the mail’.

As i am listening to the description of the suspect i find myself experiencing a heart opening. I feel a deep concern for her beauty wellness. Does it really matter that she tried to choke and drown her fiance in their hot tub?

I say “objection your honour,  i’ll take the 5th! “(or whatever the right amendment is)   She was clearly suffering from beauty insanity of the first degree. Maybe her fiance insulted her choice of nail colour or style of  bathing attire, maybe he said something ROTTEN about her hair or her weight. Ladies, i know you are with me here. How many times have you said “i just wanted to kill him!”?  Here is a woman with FOLLOW THROUGH.

The poor darling! I’m tearing up  as i recount the facts:

She was a strain of ‘babe’ with a medusa-type allure;  long, stringy dark hair parted in the center (sort of), a pale and marsh mellowy center, bushy eyebrows with a caterpiller-esq look that of course were shaved in the center. Don’t you just wonder, if that was her way of paying homage to all the Russian people, especially Breshnev?Clearly a global diplomat.

She was scented by the enticing combination of TABU and a dirty ashtray, which announced her arrival even before she sultrily slipped  into the hot tub. This type of woman (you know her)  is generous with liquid eyeliner and sports clumping eyelashes beneath the ever reliable blue frosty eye shadow.  There are tell tale signs of an oral manicure recently completed by greyish-brown, chipped teeth. I’ll leave you to conjure up what her toes would look like. Lets just say, not something you want in your mouth.   She’s a nimble lass, how did she get those toes so close to her mouth? My vote is she is a yogi.

Who needs Chanel polish because hey, tobacco leaves everything a sexy ‘yowza meow-za’ yellow. Naturally, the cuticles are cracked and fraught with hang nails galore.

This wasn’t just another bad hair day, this was a love connection gone wrong.
Mercy! Call 911.

call 911

Herein lies the problem. That 911 call lead to this babe being handcuffed to a chair in her own garage wearing nothing but a cropped Flashdance esque Tee. On a positive note,  i am always a believer in working with your assets. In this case however, she was caught with her pants down (so to speak) and a bikini line in need of some serious professional attention. this all sounded, well…….almost…….how do you say??????
icky, swamp like, foul. flat out felonious.

Thankfully however, at the last minute the swamp mistress went toward the light when she saw Officer Betty arrive on the scene. she screamed out “you, hey you, copper,  i like your hair, who does it?” She wanted ‘that look, that style, that attitude, that style particulier, and was willing to confess her sins. All  just to get my number.

Do you have a story about doing hair or having your hair done? 
If so, i want to hear from you for my Book Project. Please leave your comment and we’ll ‘Tawk”.

Hey y’all, thank you kindly for telling your friends about this blog. I am excited to see so many subscribers so quickly. If you have a pal who needs a chuckle, please pass it on. Word of mouth still works. Simone


Previous post:

Next post: