The higher the hair, the closer to heaven

by Simone on April 21, 2011

Another week in the trenches. It was like Christmas, Kwanza, New Years Eve, a Bar/Bat Mitzvah and the entire month of June all rolled into one big mombo event.

the usual chaos

The rapture is upon us my friends, and NO ONE wants to get plucked up for heaven with a hair don’t on their head. The salon was jumping with men and women with their dogs, wanting to get their hair done, just in case. I get it. Who wants to be caught with their pants down and their hair in a baseball cap?

Personally, I’m going to trim my bangs, iron my new Hello Kitty shirt and make a Belgian Waffle.

Then, I’ll be ready to embrace my fate.

Will it be heaven? …………………no more standing. Exotic cocktails every day, a cellulite free body and piles and piles of calorie free Reeses.

Or Hell? ……………. Running late, nasty frumpasaureses, Tabu perfume, the drone of television and mullets everywhere I look.

I figure that all the really bad hair will end up in hell. A good ‘do’ provides more options for successful negotiations.

Anyhow, it’s all supposed to come down today at 6pm your local time. I am sending this out in the morning, so you can make your last minute preparations. ie. pack concealer and waterproof mascara. Being rather adept with a calendar, I cleverly planned to have the day off, I figure there is still time to lose a pound or two, floss and take the frenchies for a walk.

ready to blow her head off incase she's left behind

I was going to repair the irrigation …….. but then reconsidered. The last time the world was going to end (May of 1994) duty called, I went to the salon like any other day. I came home, fed the cats, donned a fabulous outfit and off I went to an ‘end of the world’ fete, where I met……. I’ll call him Bob. Neither of us were chosen for Heaven, but admittedly, it was hard to tell, life was pretty fine then and we both had really good hair.

So we bought a house together.
Then I experienced hell.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…. There’s still time. Call someone you’ve been wanting to make amends with, ring your pal you’ve been meaning to re-connect with. Turn yourself in at the local food Co-op for all those years of grazing the bins when no one was looking, tear the label off your pillows, streak the baseball game, pay for the person behind you at the toll booth, use your curling iron in the bath tub, play with a dry cleaning bag, buy that humongus diamond ring at Tiffany’s, pick out a luscious Hermes scarf to show it off. and go ahead, you know you want to…….. Put on your afro wig.

one rung closer to heaven

There may not be much time left to spread the love, but there is still time to book a few more salon appointments. The world won’t officially be obliterated until October 21st. Just a little pesky chaos and awful suffering until then. Any woman who has worn an underwire bra, given birth or stood for 12 hours in heels should manage just fine in my opinion. For the grand finale Do what you can with the time you have, and do it lovingly….. and by God, make sure your locks look good. Because in the “end”, it all boils down to the follicle


Do you have a story about doing hair or having your hair done? 
If so, i want to hear from you for my Book Project. Please leave your comment and we’ll ‘Tawk”.
If you have a friend who could use a lift today, I hope you’ll pass this on.





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